Happier holidays: Dead Parrot’s reconstructed Twitter fights.

reco

Via our pals at gawker.com possibly the greatest-ever videos of Twitter fights reenacted by deadly serious British actors. Must be seen in order to be believed. Bitch.

Start here:

Now Rand Paul rips off Chris Brown

(AP photo)

(AP photo)


While self-acknowledged plagiarist Sen. Rand Paul has learned how to change enough words to move beyond cut-and-paste stealing. But that still doesn’t mean he has forgotten how to recognize and lift a winning strategy when they see it. Toggle between Rand’s recent statements and self-acknowledged physical abuser/rapper Chris Brown and it’s like deja vu over and over and over again.Chris Brown

Rand Paul: “I’m just not going to put up with people casting aspersions on my character.”
Chris Brown: “Can’t take advice from 2 buff chicks when one can’t stand to look at herself without plastic surgery and the other is forever on his period.”

Rand Paul: “This is really about information and attacks coming from haters. The person who’s leading this attack — she’s been spreading hate on me for about three years now.”
Chris Brown: “Thanks for the publicity. Your insecurities are manifested by your hatred. Princess Perez and wicked witch Wendy.”

Rand Paul: “But I think I’m being unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters. And I’m just not going to put up with people casting aspersions on my character.”
Chris Brown: “Hate all u want becuz I got a GRAMMY now! That’s the ultimate FUCK OFF!”

Rand Paul: “And like I say. . .if dueling were legal in Kentucky, if they keep it up, you know, it would be a duel challenge.”
Chris Brown: “I’m not down with that gay shit. . .I feel like boxing.”

Twitter fiction: Pierce Gleeson’s “Four Million Followers”

gleeson

I just stumbled on this site — distorte.com — and what I’ve seen so far is brilliant. Odd scraps of fiction; extended musings on Twitter; more and more and more.

It’s written by an Irish fellow named Pierce Gleeson, who is also a designer. He’s a hella-good writer, too.

This one is called “Four Million Followers,” about the spiritually detached world of a real man called to Tweet to a soda brand’s many, many Twitter followers. Here’s a small segment:

One evening, as he sat at the screen watching retweets blossom from his promotional competition announcement, he received a direct message flag. It came from a rival brand, a salt-sharpened sports drink hugely popular is Europe. ‘Are you a real person too?’ it said.

He sat on it for almost two days without replying, weighing up the potential risks. Anything he sent could be screencapped and publicised. Eventually, succumbing to the strange loneliness of his medium, he replied: ‘Yes, I am. But so what?’

‘I was just curious. We are like secret celebrities.’

Over the following months he exchanged messages with several other large brands. Nobody ever introduced themselves or spoke of their lives beyond the Twitter feed. It was a strange kind of roleplaying, an extension of the mantle he wore as Quark Cola’s Twitter feed.

Love it. Here’s the rest.

 

Contempt as a Lifestyle

Oh, the Twitter. So many eyes, so much buzz, but most days the whole point (much like the revenue stream) seems elusive. Surely there’s more to life than self-promotion, air-kissy public exchanges with friends, reaming of one’s enemies/exes and high-pitched kvetches about this guy at the checkstand (fat, slow, disconnected from temporal requirements of time-pressed customers) and mean-spirited critics? Possibly not, but an firehose gusher of 140-character reminders gets so dispiriting after a while.

Same deal with the increasingly silly Huffington Post, which between cute-pet stories, latest Lady Gaga scandals, political screeds and shrieky, politically calculated headlines (Someone Slams Someone Else! etc) it’s like the left-leaning online NY Post, only minus the wicked charm and awe-inspiring headline writers. (Keep reading, they’s more….)

Ibid that snarly/super-confident Andrew Breitbart guy, whose authority over news gathering, writing, editing, etc., is inversely proportional to his ability to perform any of those tasks. A fine marketer, clearly. But beyond that, dude’s power/influence doesn’t parse. As ever, the race goes to the audacious. Just saying it’s so doesn’t make it true. Oh wait, yes it does.

Movie ad “critic” blurbs: Just bear in mind, anything bearing a Fox affiliate credential, or aintitcoolnews, or anything-dot-com, or the name “Peter Travers” or “Jeffrey Lyons” or the name of a magazine that recently featured the stars on its cover, is worthless.

Stay tuned for one last Jackson Browne essay. Don’t spend too much time on the ‘net. Return those emails and phone messages. Let’s be careful out there.