Hello, Dr. Nick! Or: Bullitts, Badges and Sons O’ Bitches

…..and your little dog, too!

In honor of Sawyer, man of action, there will be NO preamble this week. I’m starting with a few clarifications and theories before we jump into a recap.

There seems to be a growing concern by some vocal viewers that the ‘Sideways’ timeline is actually an epilogue of what is currently happening on the island. And that, if that’s the case, it kinda stinks. Folks, that’s not the case. These events are occurring side-by-side. It’s messy business trying to explain the How and Why, but brutha, you gotta believe me.

This week they showed us an intact plane, and an in-use submarine. One way or another, Smokey is getting off the island. And he will make it to the sideways timeline. And then it will get really, really messy.

How messy? How about Sawyer shooting at Sawyer? How about Locke meeting ‘Flocke’ (Flocke is the internet nickname for Fake Locke). Or how about nice guy sideways Ben getting the crap beat out of him by a confused Desmond? I’m not saying I’m saying these things will be happening for sure, but just think of the possibilities?…
What happened to Detective Ford:

The sideways timeline opens with Sawyer having The Sex with yet another nubile thing. A briefcase falls open with a bunch of Benjamins falling out. Sawyer! Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems, Cuz! But is he pulling a con? Nope, because as I suspected after the season 6 opener, he’s a cop! And his code word? La Fleur! Man! That is a stupid code word. In a nice touch, James Ford’s partner is Miles, who looks like a natural in Kevlar and a badge.
Back at the station, we learn Ford is awfully similar to Sawyer of old: Much like we saw 1977 Sawyer come to enjoy his security job, this Sawyer enjoys wearing a badge, bustin’ heads, and bedding babes, but only when the job calls for it! That is commitment. We also see that Detective Ford still likes to hide things, like his weekend jaunts to “Palm Springs” really being trips to Australia to track down the creep responsible for his parent’s deaths, Anthony Cooper!
Aha! Bad stuff still happened. I believe then, that it was in this sideways timeline that Jacob visited a young Jimmy Ford on the steps of a church after his parent’s funeral to dissuade him from being a bad man. Mission sort of accomplished – if only it were that easy. Also, isn’t it interesting that we see both James and Locke lying about travel in this alternate timeline. Also interesting? Isn’t it obvious that in spite of this new timeline, all of these characters are on some sort of collision course anyway? You know Ford is going to have bust Locke’s dad at some point. Just as we know Jack’s likely to operate on Locke.
So, this version of Sawyer has plenty of time for sex with beautiful criminals, but not enough time for a relationship. Naturally, Miles feels sorry for him, so he hooks him up with a friend for a blind date. This friend happens to be a gorgeous, intelligent redhead by the name of… DA DA DA! Charlotte! Great, Sawyer has sex with Kate, Juliet, Ana Lucia, and several others, and now he gets to bat at the plate with Charlotte? Wow, such a tortured soul.

Follow the jump for more sexy Sawyer tales…

During small talk, Sawyer mentions that he was influenced to become a cop after watching the Steve McQueen classic, Bullitt. Which honestly, is a pretty good reason to become a cop, better than the one he gave when she pierced his hardened outer shell: “It got to a point where I would be a criminal or a cop.” Soooo coool….
Well, they hit it off until she rifles through his things looking for a t-shirt (leave it to an archaeologist to dig something up, heh-heh). By the way, on Sawyer’s nightstand are books Island Sawyer’s read in the past, including Watership Down and Lancelot. Lancelot is a great analogy for Sawyer, making Jack the ennobled King Arthur, and wait.. The twelve-year-old in me just started snickering about Sawyer’s still steamy bedside showing a book called Lance-a-lot. He certainly does.
I digress. She finds the file that contains the cold case closest to his heart, and he has a big freak out. He refuses to tell Charlotte what the file is all about and roughly kicks her out of his house. What an ass. Which also brings me to:
This week’s Stupid Award! This week’s stupid award goes to Sawyer? Why? It’s really simple: When people constantly ask you for the truth, many people, and you really have no reason to lie, other than to look down, jut your jaw, and let your bangs hang low? Well that’s just stupid. Really – there was no earthly reason for him to NOT tell people, let alone freak out so bad. Stupid!
Back at the station, Leslie Neilsen and O.J. Simpson are OH WAIT! Wrong show. Though let us not forget our heroes are near Brentwood, O.J.’s old stomping grounds. Back at the station, Liam Pace (hey Liam!) is there, looking for his brother Charlie, incarcerated for drug possession on an Oceanic flight. I will overlook the fact that at least originally, Liam was living in Australia. That was one hell of a quick flight.
Miles shows up, pissed that Sawyer’s a liar, and that he’s made things a little awkward with his nice friend Charlotte (go to her, Miles. Let her know you care). Like all our main characters, Sawyer looks at his reflection. Unlike most of our main characters, he smashes his reflection. More stinkin’ thinkin’! Unlike Sayid, who I fear has truly become a lost soul, I think we’re still seeing hope for Sawyer. He understands his inner demons, but he keeps on trying to not be ruled by them. Think though – both Sawyer and Sayid have been manipulated by others to kill. I think Sawyer’s still in okay shape, but he’s walking awfully close to the line, you think?
Back home with beer and TV dinner (I guess most of our characters never learned how to cook – Jack orders pizza, Ben microwaves organic turkey, and Sawyer’s Salisbury steak. These guys really need their moms), he has an epiphany watching Little House on the Prairie. Well, WHO DOESN’T!? Michael Landon’s heavenly advice to Laura leads Sawyer to show up at Charlotte’s with the same flower he gave Juliet (hmm) and a 6-pack of beer (not Dharma beer). Thankfully, Charlotte tells Sawyer he blew it and slams the door on his face. Sawyer’s just ‘Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places! Lookin’ for love in too many faces!’
The next morning (and this is why we still have hope for Sawyer), he reaches out to Miles and tells him the truth about his mission for justice. But before they can hug it out Ari-style, a car crashes into theirs, and out runs a hooded fugitive! Is it Charlie Pace? Kinda looks like him, only about a foot taller. Of course not! As Sawyer chases the fugitive down and cuffs ‘em, we see it’s Kate.
What happened to former Security Agent La Fleur:

Sawyer’s hanging with Jin at Claire’s sweet digs, enjoying tea time. These two guys talk, quickly establishing what they know about Smokey, and Sawyer, still feeling loyal to his pals (particularly Miles and Jin, who were his buddies for three years) promises Jin that they won’t leave the island without Sun.
The rest of Smokey’s crew shows up and gets ready to depart. Claire and Kate enjoy cooing at Claire’s dead squirrel skull she’s been taking such good care of in Locke’s crib. No wait! Actually, Kate’s a little creeped out, but Claire puts her in her place by saying, “It’s all I had.”
Smokey gathers everyone and before I go further, just let me say, that whether he’s Smokey or Locke, Terry O’Quinn does such an AWESOME job. This entire episode, he plays Smokey just perfect. He gives these speeches to
rally and comfort his troops, and somehow, he’s able to convey the sincerity and malevolence on such a subtle level. I really liked Smokey in this episode. I think after years of getting bossed around by Jacob, he seems to enjoy manipulating these poor human beings.
He reassures everyone that some evil smoke monster killed everyone at the temple (the old, “Wasn’t me” defense), and that as traumatic as the evening was, we’re in for some fun times, kids! Let’s go for a hike! Claire also pulls a creepy move by holding Kate’s hand in a fake, public display of togetherness.
Sawyer calls out Smokey in front of everyone, and we see a flash of that anger. In private, he gives Sawyer a mission: Head back to polar bear cage island, track down the Ajirra flight, watch for suspicious folk, insinuate yourself as necessary, and come back with a report. Funny side note: I loved that Smokey didn’t catch Sawyer’s less-than sincere apology. Smokey’s so old, he’s older than sarcasm!
Anyhow, Smokey levels with Sawyer, with some interesting dialogue. He tells him he had to kill the folks at the temple – it’s kill or be killed, right? Every man for himself. Then, sounding more mortal than ever before, Smokey says simply, “I don’t want to be killed.”
On Hydra island, Sawyer walks down memory lane and finds the dress Kate wore for Ben years ago, and starts humming ‘To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before’. He also stumbles on a smelly pile of dead bodies, all dragged into a circle, which I’m assuming was the work of Smokey. But wait, there’s a fishy survivor! A cute girl with glasses named Zoe, who says “um” before answering any of Sawyer’s questions. She also likes to ask about guns, and people with guns. Before Sawyer can do anything, her own gun-wielding guns capture Sawyer.
FUN POP CULTURE FACT #1: Sheila Kelley, the actress playing Zoe, is married West Wing’s Toby (Richard Schiff). Not only did she star in a great Portland-based flick with Burt Reynolds (1989’s ‘Breaking In’, which includes some great scenes at the no-longer present Corno’s Market), she also appeared in the movie ‘Nurse Betty’, with… Juliet (Elizabeth Mitchell)!
FUN POP CULTURE FACT #2: One of Zoe’s gun-wielding cronies is played by Fred Koehler, the cherub-cheeked kid from TV’s ‘Kate & Allie’. Fred appeared in several episodes of HBO’s epic Shakespeare-In-Prison soap opera, ‘Oz’. Who else was on ‘Oz’? Well, Eko (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and Michael (Harold Perrineau), of course.
These goons take Sawyer to meet their leader, Widmore, in his submarine. Notice that on the walk, we see the goons setting up the anti-smokey fencing. Probably ain’t gonna work anymore. Inside the sub, Sawyer passes a large locked box and asks about it. So to all of you: What’s in it? A bomb? A special gun? A ‘Smokey’ cage? Or could it be a person? Or a particular body? Inquiring minds (oh yeah, reminds me: We still don’t know what the freaking ash is, do we?).
Sawyer makes a deal with Widmore to lure Smokey into his trap, in return for safe passage for he and his friends. Sawyer still cares, man!
Back at Camp Smokey, Kate gets creeped out by a passive, soul-dead Sayid (in fact, I’m kinda creeped out by him as well), and gets attacked by Claire. Before Claire can kill Kate, Smokey shows up and beats the hell out of Claire. Ah! Being on Team Smokey isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, Jacob can be cryptic, and ask you for incredible sacrifices, but he doesn’t go all Ike Turner on you like Smokey. And he doesn’t humiliate you in front of others to assert power.
And also, Jacob doesn’t try and appeal to the worst aspects of your humanity, like Smokey does. This is where these two as metaphor come into play. Jacob does ask a lot, but it’s always in the service of others, and it’s always as a sacrifice for something greater than yourself.
Smokey, as seen in his conversation with Kate, wants you to think selfishly. Wants you to take care of yourself, because that is the only thing that matters. Smokey thinks that Altruism isn’t just stupid, it’s wasteful and deadly. Smokey wants you to feel good about being a selfish prick. In short, I think SMOKEY IS REALLY AYN RAND.
In my favorite scene, we watch Smokey first rationalize that he had to lie and manipulate Claire in order to save her, only later to tell Kate that now Claire’s too crazy to take care of Aaron. Living a lie and feeling guilt is what drove Kate back to the island, and here’s Smokey telling Kate that living the lie was the BEST thing to do, and now is the ONLY thing to do. Of course, we also see that Smokey’s got some SERIOUS mommy issues going on. Which leads to an incredibly nutty theory espoused by the dear Doc Jensen (to read more about this theory, check out the ‘Bullitt’s’ below.
We part on Sawyer telling Kate that he’s successfully conned both Smokey and Widmore into killing each other while they can sneak off the island. Oh Sawyer, don’t you think that Smokey and Widmore are at least a few steps ahead of you? You have a very painful lesson to learn very soon…
So, what can I tell you about the next few weeks?

This week, Doc Jensen is at the top of his game, with some awesome insights about this episode, including Sawyer’s repeated line (“Son of a Bitch!”) being central to the episode and the mystery of Smokey’s identity. Doc thinks Officer Sawyer will end up apprehending (or killing) Anthony Cooper at Locke’s wedding. Doc is also convinced there’s some significant hidden meaning in the episode of ‘Little House on the Prairie’ that enthralled Sawyer.

Did you catch that Miles mentions his dad (Dr. Chang) and Charlotte working at “The Museum” together? Doc did, and thinks Chang may put in a pivotal Harry the Explainer appearance, telling us about the space-time continuum. Or some such thing. Doc also thinks that Kate running around in a hoodie was some kind of reference to hoodie-wearing Charlie Pace in the first season, helping then-baddish guy Sawyer swipe all the camps guns.

This is the best, BEST part of Doc Jensen’s column this week: Doc Jensen thinks Smokey is Faraday. I repeat, Doc Jensen thinks SMOKEY IS FARADAY!! Isn’t that crazy! NO! That’s crazy awesome! I’m going to be chewing on that one for awhile. Son of an Eloise Hawking, indeed.

Here’s my little back-pat. I was the only guy I know of who predicted that Sawyer would be a cop. I was WAY wrong, however, in guessing that his life wasn’t going to be as messy. As we see, almost as messy as before. The badge is just another thing to hide behind.

For what it’s worth, I still don’t think the bomb ever went off. It was something else that transported our heroes out of 1977. We may never know what it was, but that bomb hasn’t gone off… Yet.

Next week’s episode is all about Richard, and it’s called ‘Ab Aeterno’, which means ‘From the eternal’ or can also be translated as something beyond time. What cool Alpert stuff will we see? Well, as you can imagine, someone who’s been alive for hundreds of years has probably watched more than a few loved ones die, which would be the really sucky part of immortality. We’ll see some Catholic guilt, lost love, and the original man in black (the great Titus Welliver). Don’t be surprised if we see that Jacob and Alpert weren’t always buddies, and uh, yeah, get ready for some answers. If there were ever a time for Lost to start possibly polarizing some die-hard viewers, this might be the episode that does it.

We’re not done seeing Juliet (yay!), nor are we done seeing Charlotte.

Think Smokey’s done beating up some of his loyal followers? He hasn’t even begun. Expect mass-beatings and general jerkiness to continue in full.

Guess what? Lapidus will finally have something to do! Like, um, I don’t know. M
aybe fly a plane?

As mentioned at the start of this post, two worlds are going to collide, and it’s going to get a little messy. How will someone know they’re speaking to the ‘right’ Jack, or the ‘right’ Hurley?

Big-time Spoiler Alert: I try not get ‘Spoilery’ here, so I’m going to warn you now: if you don’t like spoilers, avoid the internet, because it’s been revealed that several key players may be departing us in a single episode. This, ahem, ‘explosive’ news could really put a ‘damper’ on folks who like to be kept in the dark (I have some of the names, but won’t be posting, or telling).

That ‘secret word I mentioned a couple weeks back? The one that describes the island in a nutshell? The one with an ‘O’ but no ‘A’ or ‘E’? Rumor is that it’s coming this week.

Who still has centric episodes? Jin & Sun, Desmond, Hurley and Smokey, for sure.

Want to know the cryptic names of some of these episodes? Try these on for size: The Package, The Last Recruit, The Candidate, Everybody Loves Hugo, and Happily Ever After are some. A couple others are just too dang spoilery to say.
For you Lost fanatics, you can now pre-order the entire series on Amazon. 38 discs. 38.
Thanks for reading and watching