Polite Responses and Advice to SPAM mailers

Britney did WHAT?

Germany shows Portugal the strength in an extra inch: I’m guessing this isn’t a border dispute, but with some countries you never know. (bonjour, Paris!) Just kidding. Plus, Germany’s got too many economic problems to get back into expansionist foreign policy. So you’re going to have to be a lot more clear, Spammer.

Hot Latinas banged by Germany: Hmm, this has more to do with the tourism industry, I suspect. But if drunken German tourists are indeed wandering foreign lands smacking locals with sticks, bottles or whatever, that may also be a local law enforcement issue.

Portugal regrets not bringing herbal supplements: Look, I’m just one guy in Oregon with a computer and a modem. It’s very difficult for me to understand, let alone resolve, health care issues in foreign countries. But if that has something to do with Germany, and two-fisted tourists, I can only suggest you inform local authorities.

Make her a happy camper: Oh, I know this one. First, you’ll want to make sure the hike is neither too long nor steep for her tastes. You’ll also be amazed at what a really good sleeping pad can do for a night’s sleep in the wild — check out the new blow-up models.

Nothing beats a huge stick: If we’re still talking about camping, I agree – you can use it fend off bears and other inquisitive/hungry animals who might enter your camp. But if this is another complaint about German tourists, it’s really not my department.

Give her more of yourself: Yes, exactly, Mr. Spammer. The key to a more solid, satisfying relationship with any partner lies in what you share of yourself, and how you extend your inner feelings to help her understand what you’re thinking, even if she continues to disagree.

Playboy playmate revealed: As a secret prude? As having regrets for the rash decisions made in early adulthood? I’m going to need some help here.

Crazy girls gone wilder: Are they German? Are they holding bear-staving sticks? Unless this is happening somewhere I can drive to, and quickly, I just can’t see myself being much help.